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Holiday Poem by John Baber, 2L

It could have been the pressure of finals. It could have been a lack of sleep. Or too much coffee. Whatever it was, John Baber, 2L, was inspired to write a parody of Clement Clarke Moore's "'Twas the Night Before Christmas." Banish your textbooks, grab an eggnog (151 proof) and enjoy!

We'll see you when school reopens on Jan. 3, and classes begin on Jan. 14.

"Twas the Night Before Crim Law"

'Twas the night before Crim Law, and all through the course
All the crimes to remember! From first degrees to fourths
The notecards were written and detailed with care
In hopes that you will not be caught unaware

Theft, murder, rape; you study while in bed
This nighttime reading will make bad dreams in your head
Contracts is over, Civ Pro is long done
Just Crim Law to go, then you’ll go have some fun

When you're almost asleep, there arose such a clatter
An older man is outside and he's raising a ladder
You think, "Any damn fool would be able to see
This guy is about to commit a burglary!"

You know he has to break and enter the same spot
Otherwise the law will prosecute him not
He seems to have intent to do something within
He's got a large bag, it's colored white and crimson

His bag seemed so full, no doubt rich with plunder
Where'd he get all that stuff? You started to wonder
Multiple thefts could be a continuing course crime
If there was a close enough connection in space and in time

"I've got an exam tomorrow," you yelled to the looter
While at the same time grabbing your hypo six-shooter
You form the intent to kill in seconds, mere fractions
Death's the natural and probable consequence of your actions

"I'm Santa, you dummy," the man said from below
But you saw no big sled, just a red Chevy Tahoe
You've never seen a robber quite as brazen as this
You rebuttably presume that he's full of malice

"Some kids stole my sled," he said with a sulk
"They took all nine reindeer so they wouldn't break the bulk
So I jacked this truck from some poor guy’s possession"
… that's a general intent crime so mens rea's no question

You thought Santa would be bigger, and more full of cheer
This guy is wringing his hands, but it isn't that clear
He said, “I usually take the chimney to get to your floor,
Or in the alternative, why don’t you come open the door?"

You can use deadly force to protect habitation
But only if reasonable—at least in this nation
Then you think real hard to remember if that's true
Good thing you went to John and Annie's review

So you shoot before he breached your small dwelling house
Kill like it's common law and he was caught with your spouse
Just then the police arrive, lights flashing from far
"Oh well," you exclaim, "I'll just plead NCR!"

You wake in a sweat, you might have been screaming
You know crim so well that it's there when you're dreaming!
You're confident and ready, there's no need to cram
So you go off to school, and you ace your exam

The test went just great, your concentration unbroken
And as you go outside, you see Professor Warnken
You want to thank him for a great class before you go
… but then you see him get into a red Chevy Tahoe.